Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She's the barista slut.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
