ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
