my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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