I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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