I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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