my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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