No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
