If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
