I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Randomize
