If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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