You can't special order awesome
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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