gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I wear drunk well.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
