I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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