I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We are two peas in an std pod
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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