My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
