Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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