And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
