eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
