She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
