He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
