I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
