This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
