I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
