I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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