Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize