saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
