we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
