she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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