Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
