There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
