This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize