you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
