have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
