I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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