They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
