Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
