I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Randomize
