i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
