So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
