you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
