4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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