Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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