i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
