Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
