Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
