somebody snuck up and got me drunk
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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