It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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