I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
