you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Randomize
