what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
