Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
