awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
