I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
