Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
