She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
