If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
