He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
