I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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